Anyhow, during that period of more than two years I started my long journey of discovery, the quest for what true love really is and what indeed is the purpose of life. It all began with the advice of dear Vicky the psychiater that I should try to improve my social and language skills by getting some old-fashioned snailmail penpals. Without any clear thought of how, why or for what, I placed a little advert in a magazine that she put forward. It is a very well know publication called Loot and I would recommend it to everyone. However, back then I didn't quite understand the simple fact that a word like "student" wouldn't have the same meaning in English as it has in Dutch, and because I didn't even mention my age I got quite a few replies of people who actualy thought that I was studying at university. Most of those "adult" replies I simply threw away, but one caught my eye almost immediately. It was from a Canadian woman who was looking for a penpal who was openminded, sexy. They boys I slept with in high school were okay, but none really took me where I really wanted to go. I never really knew where I wanted to go until I got there. When I was 17 I started taking out personal ads trying to find an older man, thinking that maybe that was the answer. I had slept with a few older men, and still nothing. Nothing but the empty feeling. I had orgasms, but the emptiness still returned. The week before I turned 19 I had gone to the local coffee shop to meet a man who I had been talking to on the phone. He had called in response to an ad I had placed. I only lived a few blocks away, so I chose to walk to the coffee shop instead of driving. If there was one thing I had learned on this journey of self discovery, it was how to avoid being stalked. It was the middle of October, and it was starting to get cold. I checked myself in the hall mirror as I was walking out the door. I had chose faded jeans, a tank top, covered by a big wool sweater. I was trying not to.
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